My mom is currently sitting in a Claremore motel room. She’s shoeless. No extra clothes. A broken neck.
She’s screaming into her phone and out of my speaker.
It’s the eighth call in 10 hours. Most of them throughout the night. Four-minute voicemails of her screaming and sobbing. I later listened to all the voicemails. All had same the message. Just the order of the retellings were changed up a bit. Uncontrollable rage in each. In each one she mentioned she wasn’t drunk or high.
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So you're homeless.
You've hit rock bottom. You've burned every bridge. Eviscerated every relationship.
You feel alone, worthless, anxious, depressed, disappointed, helpless.
There are days you wish you could curl into a ball and just die.
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Three days ago I posted about my mom being homeless. Within the blog I opened up about my feelings and shared info about her mental health. It was the first time I revealed to the world what I had been going through for 36 years. Previously there were only a handful of people who knew some of that.
I expected the blog to be read by some people. I wasn't ready for what happened.
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The above picture is my second favorite all time of my mom.
She's 14 enjoying a book. She's beautiful.
I was around six months old then.
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It's 3:30 in the morning. Ella Fitzgerald's voice carries throughout our Airbnb house in central Oklahoma City. As I explore the midcentury home, I listen to the 1957 live recording at the Shrine Auditorium.
The record, "At The Opera House," plays in the living room. The B side is spinning.
When I finally settle in and relax in a chair near the turntable, she has started singing "Moonlight in Vermont."
I feel like I've gone back in time. It's a magical moment. It's just us and Ella.
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